influenza of the swinish variety

I don't know how things are going in the U.S., but here in Asia, people are freaked out by the swine flu.

Before we could leave our plane in Tokyo back in May, doctors in hazmat suits boarded carrying equipment straight out of the movie E.T. They walked up and down the aisles, pointing these infrared heat-detection devices at us to identify and detain the infected ones lurking surreptitiously among the healthy.

It's become a big joke with the Americans in our office. You can't cough when the Thai teachers are in the room. If you do (and this has happened at least once), a teacher will pull you aside, looking concerned, and tell you that you must go to the nurse's office and get a surgical mask.

On the bright side, the school finally decided that if teachers are sick, they should stay home.

The previous policy was this: If you're sick, get dressed and ready and board the van with all the other American teachers (thus exposing them to whatever you have). Once you're at school, don't teach your classes. Instead, go lie on a little bed in the nurse's office all day. At 4:00, go home like everyone else.

Of course, that was nonsense. But by now we've learned: while in Thailand, you must let go of your beloved Western rationality. It's of little help to you here.

Being sick in Bangkok is an alienating experience - like being a modern leper. Don't cough or sneeze on an elevator, in a bus, or in a public bathroom. People will shoot you a dirty look as if to say, "Why must you insist on ruining life for the rest of us?"

Last week, I went to the clinic on the grounds with a cold. When I described my symptoms to the woman at the desk in the waiting room, she immediately escorted me to a building across the street, where I was given a green surgical mask and made to wait outside. I felt like a menace to society.

Not all people in masks are sick, though. Many of them are fine - just paranoid about catching the flu.

Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em...